I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
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C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Not my job 😂
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?