No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
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Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Twitter fine art
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.