worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
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Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.