Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
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I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
My support group can outdrink your support group.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
What if the weather talks about us?
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito