Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
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When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I will never stop laughing at this
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.