FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
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I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I’m being attacked 😭
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi