Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
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Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.