Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
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Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂