People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
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There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”