If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
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Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
every. time.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.