Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*