Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
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[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*