Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
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‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
No. He’s not coming out to play
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.