I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
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here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
6: are snakes just neck?
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
synchronized noseblowing