ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
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Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me