like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
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[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers