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[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.