“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
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My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
The first matador
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle