“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
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Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I needed a laugh this morning.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
jesus christ confetti not now
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I really had high hopes for this year though
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.