I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
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You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.