*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
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Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Haha! 😂
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?