Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
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If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Möther may I have a snäck
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?