There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
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My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
this is the news I live for
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.