I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
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Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?