why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
You Might Also Like
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Merica.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.