They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
You Might Also Like
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”