Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
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There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
There are no pants in heaven.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.