if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
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me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
#Caturday
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.