My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
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[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.