Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
You Might Also Like
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Godspeed, John Glenn
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy