Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
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When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor