Ooops wrong house😂😜
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when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.