Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
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Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.