my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
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Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Taliband
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Finally a use for spoilers…
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development