Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
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At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.