[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
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If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.