Truth
You Might Also Like
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
You sure about that?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man