The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
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My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
next level snooze
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.