Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
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Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism