My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
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Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.