the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
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FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
tell em, edith-anne
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
fixed it
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals