Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
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Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.