MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
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Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.