Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
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Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!