[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
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I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”