EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
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Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd