You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
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Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Lube but for my dry humor.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you