You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
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Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.