Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*