I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
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I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”